Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
21 entries this month
00:09 Nov 30 2008
Times Read: 944
I'm going to get drunk... for the right reasons for once! LOL! See you guys later!
00:16 Nov 26 2008
Times Read: 974
I just got out of the psychiatric ward. I'm feeling better... at least more like myself. I'm back on Zoloft but nothing else for now. Nothing for anxiety or anything like that. But I'm happy to be out of that damn hospital. I've made some friends in there though. I don't think I'll ever forget them or their advice. Their words meant a lot to me and I don't know if they know it or not. I just want to say thank you Mike, Jerry, and Craig. I don't have Craig's number but I know how to get into contact with Mike and Jerry. I'm not allowed visiting since I was a patient though. I am dropping off applications for apartments for Jerry and things like that. I'm even thinking of getting them some cigs for their stay.
bye bye04:55 Nov 21 2008
Times Read: 994
I'm heading out an hour early. It's been snowing off and on here so I need to get this done and over with. I wish I could stop crying and whimpering. Later...
typed at around 5pm
18:50 Nov 20 2008
Times Read: 1,009
I want to hide. I don't want to do this. I'm packing the clothes I want to take and crying as I do so. Not only do I have to walk out the door this evening but I have to walk away from Brett at the emergency room. I have to get a shower yet. I'm afraid I'm going to end up hurting myself in there. It's where I think the most. It's where I'm afraid to be alone the most. I never feel clean. I end up feeling horribly dirty even as I scrub my skin. I'm scrubbed my body until it bled before. I can't do that. Not today. I need to stay calm if I'm going to try to do this because if I don't then I will fight Brett on me doing so. Then my therapist would end up getting involved. I need to stay as calm as possible. I need to do so until at least Brett gets home or my mom comes back or something. I need to get better. This will get me on the medications I need. This WILL make me better. I need to keep on reminding myself of that. I need to stop doubting it. I keep saying I need to face the fear that keeps me in this house. I keep feeling ashamed that I'm so scared of so many little things. I can't pick up the phone. I can't call someone even when I need to. I can't even go outside without being paralyzed and forcing myself to do so. I guess today is the day that this is going to change. There's no time like the present especially since I've been living like this for months now and I'm too scared to ever make the decision to go for myself. It's either I go without a fight or I put up one and even feel more pathetic then I already do. I love Brett. He's lived with me for two years on the 26th of this month. We've been through so many things together and have always gotten through it. Sure, he's never dealt with anyone who has been feeling and acting the way I have been, but I think he knows me enough to be able to make that decision for me. He's the only one I really trust to do so and he has. He's decided with my therapist that I should go into the hospital to get better.
18:37 Nov 19 2008
Times Read: 1,034
I won't be online for a little while. I'm admitting myself to the hospital tomorrow to get better. I don't know how long I'll be there. I'm scared to death about it. Brett won't be able to visit me and we've made arrangements for Aurora since I won't be here. I'm just hoping I don't back out of this at the last minute. I made Brett call my therapist yesterday in the middle of me breaking down because of multiple things. She was going to stay extra just to talk to me. About an hour later, her office called and said they had a cancellation. We went and talked with her, while my mom watched Aurora for us. My psychiatrist appointment isn't until December 29th now and we agreed that I would be admitting myself into the psychiatric ward in the time span of 72 hours. She compromised with us since I'm the one who watches Aurora all day and takes care of her. Brett's working days that last anywhere from 7 hours to 11 hours right now. My mom's off this week until Monday so she's going to help out with it all too. Our friends Chris and Delilah are going to watch Aurora for us when my mom can't. They even said she can stay a few days up there and that Chris will stop and pick her up on his way home from work since it's a drive for Brett to make and it's been snowing. My mom's having a talk with my Grandma today about it since she knows that she will try to start crap over this and everything. She tried to before when I was 18 and in the psychiatric ward. I'm so not looking forward to all of this. I'm scared to death over it all and just wanting to hide away everything. I want to put my mask back on and pretend there's nothing wrong with me at all. Too bad I can't pick up the phone on most occasions and that I can't just walk out of my house without being scared. Last night alone I went to go to the store for condoms because I wanted sex, I got ready, I got the car keys, money, my EBT card, and double checked everything. I must have came in and out of the house at least 10 times before I even ventured off of the porch once. When I finally did, I ran back to the door where the cat's box is and just started petting her like I was going to come back and her not be there. What use am I to anyone like this? I mean seriously, when I can't make appointments, when I can't go to appointments, when I'm too scared to go get the mail out of the mailbox on my porch, and when I'm too scared and paranoid to even talk to people unless I'm forced to?
What good am I?
I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I feel like I'm letting Aurora down more then anyone.
I don't know how much it's going to effect her being gone from me for at least three days. She's been fussy because of her teeth coming in one after another. She hasn't ever had a problem with Delilah or Chris and she loves playing with their boys. She's relaxed around them. I know with my mom and them, she gives them problems lying down for her naps and things. I don't know how she's going to handle this at all.
I'm worried about her and everyone else. Brett keeps on telling me I need to worry about myself instead. He will figure things out. I wish I could believe that. I can't just leave it go at just that.
One thing on my mind is am I going to be able to call to Chris' house to talk to Aurora if she's up there...
I already told Brett when I go in, I don't want Aurora or Tyler coming to visit me in there. I don't want it to happen.
I'm scared of what's going to happen when I'm forced into a group. Am I going to be punish or what not if I refuse to participate in something? Am I going to be allowed to go back to my room if being around everyone is getting to be too much?
Heck, one of the things that worries me am I going to be put on the right medicines? That's a big thing to be concern about!
Like I told my mom, at least if my back starts swelling or if I fall because of my legs, they will get me checked out.
I'm going to get off of here and hopefully pack what clothes I want to take with me. I know I defiantly don't want to be stuck in a hospital with no say in when I can leave and already being uncomfortable without comfy clothes. My comfy clothes mean a lot to me. I'm going to take at least one of my daddy's shirts. That should make me feel a little bit better.
15:25 Nov 17 2008
Times Read: 1,049
If you want to see more pictures from Aurora's first birthday party, go to my MySpace. They're in their own folder but they're private. Add me and tell me who you are on here and yeah, just delete me afterwards or not. It's up to you. I don't talk much on there other then Courtney and Jared. So yeppers!
Here's the link...
http://www.myspace.com/direrose
Mommy On Call
07:56 Nov 17 2008
Times Read: 1,054
I feel like a little kid again. My mom is taking charge of the situation I'm in with my doctor. She declared on Saturday that she's going to my next doctor's appointment with me. He wants some answers from him about why he hasn't given me any kind of pain medicine, what's going on with the gap in my back and more importantly why hasn't he sent me to see a neurologist. I'm letting her take charge of the situation too. Maybe dealing with my mom again will make him see that I'm not just some 21 year old trying to get pain meds like most of the valley right now. He was my daddy's doctor and I chose him mostly because of that. My daddy had a lot more medical problems then my mom has ever had. He had experience with a lot of things that came and went through my family. He was my Uncle Jeff's doctor too that got him the liquid morphine and everything when he was dying of cancer. I like him. Not so much his personality since he questions everything you say but I do like him because of his experience and that fact that he doesn't usually play around. He doesn't like to prescribe pain medication and he also won't order my scripts for my mental health since it's not his expertise. I've always like that even though sometimes it gets on my nerves. But at least I know I won't get over medicated or something like that from antidepressants or something from someone who doesn't know what their doing.
And before anyone thinks my mommy is someone who is just going to go in there with no knowledge of what's going on...
She's an RN with her BSN. She deals with her patients more then the doctors and most of the time knows more of what's going on with them more then the doctors. She's politely told off more then her fair share of doctors.
:-)
This is the time I need something though. I need something done about my back and legs. I fell with Aurora the other day. She landed safely on the couch and my back hit the edge of the couch. She was laughing but still... I would never forgive myself if she got hurt because one of my legs decided to give out while I am holding her. As for my back, it's pretty sad when it hurts to lift my daughter. It hurts to ride in the car and especially when a bump is hit. It hurts to bend and to reach different ways. Heck, sex hurts right now.
As for the gap in my back... we don't really know what's going on there. He never told me what he meant. How big. How it was caused. Or anything like that. What the hell? You tell me I have a gap in my back, we have to assume you mean the spine. And you never tell me exactly what you mean...
This is nice though. I'm going to therapy for it all. My therapist doesn't know what he meant either and they're messing with my back. Don't they need to know that information?! Can't they do more damage because they don't know what's going on?! My therapist said she was going to call down and see what she could find out what she can about it.
I'm going to see if I can go back to bed for like an hour which is when Brett gets up to get ready for work. I need to help him get the trash out this morning... all the stuff from Aurora's toys and such.
Night night.
01:58 Nov 17 2008
Times Read: 1,059
Neopets Referral...
Join up and give me stuff! LOL!
Cake Anyone...
00:44 Nov 16 2008
Times Read: 1,066
Aurora defiantly had fun at her birthday party once she got used to everyone being around.
She's scared of everyone being in one room and being loud too.
But from my avatar you can see she enjoyed her cake! LOL!
I will write more tomorrow. I've got a mess to clean up.
Party Time
18:39 Nov 15 2008
Times Read: 1,073
The Hello Kitties have been released!
Hello Kitty everywhere!
... and I am so jealous!
Happy 1st, Aurora Bliss!
16:26 Nov 14 2008
Times Read: 1,083
Today is Aurora's first birthday! We're having her party tomorrow though... that way more people that were invited can come.
Today we're taking her to eat at a place called Melmen's. I don't know if I'm spelling it right. But it's where my mommy and daddy always took me for my birthday lunch/supper.
Tomorrow we're taking her to the mall for the parade thing that's going on. It's a meet and greet of Santa and Mrs. Clause, the elves, and I know Curious George is supposed to be there too! LOL! It's going to be interesting to see her reaction to it all.
I know when Tyler met Franklin, he was scared to death of him.
Aurora loves Curious George when she gets to watch it. (We haven't had cable of any kind since we came up from Nashville). But she gets to watch it maybe a couple of times a week on my mom's side.
We just have to make sure we get her cake before then, be at the mall at 11 a.m., be home by 1, and hopefully have her get a quick nap in.
Oh and she got her fourth top tooth yesterday! It broke the surface yesterday and I noticed when we were in the grocery store getting some things for supper and this weekend.
Canceled?!
17:11 Nov 13 2008
Times Read: 1,089
I just got great news on the answering machine. Turns out my appointment with the psychiatrist on the 21st has been canceled. It's the only thing that I've been concentrating on other then Aurora's birthday and her party. I just wanted to make it to that date since I know they will be getting me on some kind of medication for my anxiety.
Now I just want to hide.
Now to get up the courage and determination to pick up the phone and call them back so I can reschedule the appointment. I feel like crying since it took so long for them to get me in the first place when my therapist called and told them I needed it as soon as possible and was trying to get me in at an earlier date. I hate this.
Ramble of my Thoughts
11:56 Nov 11 2008
Times Read: 1,100
I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm seriously considering going into the psychiatric ward on Monday of next week. I'm avoiding people, anyone, worse then the plague. I'm getting scared of Brett and of family being around. I'm avoiding the internet too. I lost my position as military commander on Travian as a result of me not being able to log on. I've never avoided the internet before. It's always been my comfort zone. I have an appointment with my therapist today... I've scratched but nothing too bad. I've wanted to cut badly but not to the point of giving in. I've wanted to die in the past week but hey, I'm still breathing. I must be doing something somewhere right. I have two butterflies on me. I have Rose on my hand and Pokey on my stomach. They've been there for a few days now because I broke down and started crying on my mom's side. The sad thing is it was all brought on with my mom telling me I needed to call everyone and let them know the time of Aurora's party. I just started bawling and scratching. I just want to get better. I'm tired of crying because everything scares me to death or just feeling so depressed. I haven't gone to my psychical therapy in over two weeks. I really need to today. I have to call them in about an hour and I'm already wanting to just back out of it. I have to go today. I have to prove to myself that I can do this. I need this and I know it. I have to go to psychical therapy for two hours today. I have to get the assessment done for my back and then I have to get in the pool for my legs. At least the warm water in the pool should relax me a little bit. I'm hoping it isn't crowded though and that I can claim my little corner to do my exercises in. No one except Brett knows I haven't been to therapy for weeks. I'm scared to tell my mom. I'm scared to admit it to anyone. I just want to hide away from everyone. I can't stand to look at myself anymore. I told Brett this morning that we both need to get on the medicines we need. I defiantly need to get on them if I'm making it through the next couple of months. He's going to be nonexistent working 12+ hours everyday after Thanksgiving. That's if it doesn't hit before Thanksgiving. The only good thing coming out of it is we're going to have a good Christmas since he's going to be off, we're going to have money and we're going to be able to catch up on some of the bills we owe. He wants to get me back into college as soon as possible but I want to get better first and start paying on my college bill before I start taking out another student loan. That's understandable, right? I mean when I get better, I'm going to be working at least 10 hours a week somewhere. It's a goal of mine to get me out of the house, away from Aurora and Brett, and just being able to feel like I'm helping out some. It seems to me like everything in our relationship right now is one sided.
Work=Brett
Aurora=Me
Cleaning=Me
Picking Up Things=Brett
Dishes=Supposed to be Brett but I always do them now
Even our conversations seem to be one sided since it feels like he never hears me anymore when I'm talking. I feel like I'm going crazy from everything. I feel like I'm invisible. That's scares me but then I don't want to be seen. I want to be able to hide... to become as invisible as I feel. I can't even explain it or figure out why. The answers just aren't there.
The same things for me still stand true right now:
I want to clean but get distracted.
I want to spend time with Brett but I'm scared to get close to him right now and yet I'm scared of being alone.
I want sex. About 95% of my dreams if not more revolve around sex and most of them involve random strangers. About at least 50% of my thoughts are about sex. It's hard right now because we don't have the money for condoms. So what am I doing, masturbating constantly. So can't be healthy for me...
I want to work on my workbook but every time I start, something happens. Aurora will wake up. I'm wanted on the other side. Someone will message me if the computer is on. Something always happens.
My appointment with the psychiatrist is on the 21st. That's 11 days from now. And 5 days from the date I'm going to commit myself, if I decide I really need to. I'm going to talk with my therapist about it.
I've started to call the crisis line several times within the past week or so but I can never do it. I end up getting even more upset. I would rather just cry it out or scratch and be fine for a while. Emotionally eating isn't even helping. In fact, I've kind of been forgetting to eat. I can't even remember what I've ate or if I did in the past days. I'm sure I did though. I'm always sure I did.
I'm going to request to be placed on two medicines. I want on something for depression first; something like Zoloft, which I was on 250 mg of it before or the one medicine which is for depression and bi-polar. But if you don't have bi-polar, it doesn't hurt you. The other medicine I want to get on is an anxiety medication. I think a lot of what's going on with me would go away if I got on them both. Even looking up the symptoms the OCD getting worse could be because of my depression and anxiety.
I need to get off of here now so I can get things ready for Aurora to go next door for a few hours when I have my appointments and I need to get my things ready so I can leave on time. I think I'm going to take a nap before them though. I'm still feeling really tired.
When Brett gets home, I'm going to have him read this. Writing all of this out did make me feel a little bit better but not much. I think little bit of calming I'm feeling right now is from me crying so much this morning. Crying always makes a Tiffy very tired.
02:45 Nov 07 2008
Times Read: 1,116
I feel horrible. I've been thinking all day about just staying in and making some phone calls whether it gets to me or not. I'm so tempted to call my doctor for my legs and tell him I don't want to go to therapy anymore. I mean what's the point? I haven't gone in almost two weeks now! I don't want to leave my house. I don't see the point in becoming so scared over something as silly as going to the grocery store. I would rather just avoid it.
Courtney's upset with me because I haven't called her back but I am talking to her on MySpace. Yes, I know it's hard for her to talk on there considering she's blind but she's been getting on it and talking to other people so why not me?
My appointment with the psychiatrist is only 15 days away. I just want to get in. I don't know what's going to come from it but I want to get in.
I've thought about the psychiatric ward some more but there's no way I could do it. Brett's going to be working 12 hour shifts in the next week probably. Who is going to watch Aurora? I think what scares me even more is how am I going to feel safe in there without Brett?
I think it was a mistake of me going out to vote. There was so many people there and it keeps on replaying in my mind. I keep on dreaming about it... about how I was feeling... how I started crying.. how I was feeling overwhelmed and just tried to make the music louder in my ears... how the woman next to me kept on looking at me and I think she ask me at one point if I was okay but I don't know... I just don't think I should have went now.
PRIVATE ENTRY
02:33 Nov 07 2008
Times Read: 1,117
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
15:36 Nov 05 2008
Times Read: 1,129
Aurora scared the crap out of Brett and me last night. We were sitting on my couch talking and she was standing up in her pack-n-play watching us. All of a sudden she went red and was trying to breathe but couldn't. Brett grabbed her up and we were trying to get her to calm down and breathe, she started gasping for air and tears rolling down her face as she did. We rushed her next door and I went flying up the steps and woke my mom up. She checked her out but didn't hear anything out of the ordinary in her chest or anything like that. About fifteen minutes later, you couldn't even tell anything happened. Seeing the black kitty cat named Nala made everything better. At least it calmed her down.
We kept an eye on her all night, nothing similar happened. We don't know what caused it or anything like that.
We were thinking maybe an allergic reaction but it wouldn't have gone away just like that. She had a new baby food the day before that was called blueberry pear. And earlier that day she got two tablespoons of whole milk and actually kept it down. Usually she pukes it up right after. She had a little bit of a rash last night too.
I don't think we're going to know what happened unless it happens again. I sure as heck don't want it to happen again.
20:06 Nov 04 2008
Times Read: 1,136
I'm sitting here waiting for Brett to get home. He told me around nine something that he thought he would possibly be home early. He's not. It's getting to me. I'm feeling alone. Incredibly alone. I hate this feeling. I want to get something and cut. I'm thinking of drawing a butterfly instead. I need to do something to fill this time...
15:30 Nov 04 2008
Times Read: 1,143
I'm 21 years old and I've never voted before.
I'm going with Brett today and vote for the first time.
:-)
Better?
18:07 Nov 03 2008
Times Read: 1,153
I think I've found my motivation again to clean, play with Aurora, and listen to music all at once!
*smiles* I've missed this! From her reactions, so has she!
I don't have psychical therapy today because my therapist isn't there. Yay! I got out of it for a day!
I've gotten two loads of dishes done. Two loads of clothes folded that needed it. Some of the food put away where it needs to go.
I still have to change the fish's water. Poor spot he's a cold fishy! LOL!
I have to do Aurora's bottles and sippy cups. She's down to one bottle at night, in the morning, and her nap time. She loves strawberry kool-aid! LOL! I should have thought about putting that in her sippy to begin with...
I have to clean the living room up the rest of the way and vacuum it yet too. That means more clothes needing folded and put away, some things packed, and also Brett probably coming home in the middle of all of this!
I don't even care if I get it all done or not today! I just want it done!
When Brett gets home, I plan finishing what I'm doing at the moment. Settling down with him, playing a video game or two, maybe watch a movie, and just relax.
I'm hoping this all means I'm getting better. It does, right?!
I mean, I'm making phone calls when I have to, I'm talking online again, I'm not lurking all the time, I can go and check the mail on the porch without really thinking about it too much, and I can get up and clean again.
I'm still not doing most of it without fear. It's there. And of course, I have the MP3 player glued to my ears... but it is still a big improvement from what I was.
I have to be hopeful! I'm getting better. Yep!
Maryland Considered Yet Again?
11:38 Nov 03 2008
Times Read: 1,156
This is getting insane. LOL! After the plans of going to Maryland started up on Thursday last week and ended on Friday afternoon... we might have the possibility of going to Maryland.
Jared messaged me on MySpace to see what it would take for me and Brett to come get him. I really need to talk to him about it.
If we go, it would have to be THIS weekend because next weekend is going to be Aurora's first birthday party and I'm not putting anyone before that!
Her birthday's on the 14th but we're celebrating it on the 15th since most people are able to get it off, including her daddy.
I'll write more later on. Right now, I'm going to go back to sleep for a little bit. Aurora's been staying up all night. The good news is she has two top teeth that have broken the surface and one more on top that's about to come in.
COMMENTS
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StrawberriiXGashes
00:23 Nov 30 2008
Have fun Tiff Tiff